Apparently I was a great warrior in a past life. I was a Trojan warrior, only since I was much bigger and better than the other Trojans they called me �The Magnum Warrior� sort of like now and my usage of��nevermind. Anyway, I was a great warrior and was punished by being forced to fight with such feeble warriors like Sir Banannarama or whatever his name was on my right. The fortuneteller said Banannarama would have another life where he would turn green and terrorize cities in an artistically beautiful way while Bill Bixby turned over in his grave and begged for the return of Lou Ferigno.

After this shot was taken of the Royal Cookout, you can see me with my �Spatula of Death and Destruction�; we had a huge rumble reminiscent of the Outsiders. I ran up from a quick restroom break and yelled, �Thou shalt not commence in any activities pertaining to that which shall now be and forever be identified as a rumble without thine intervention divine, Bitches�. Then I ran through a line of peasants, crippled women, and young children with my trusty, �Spatula of Death and Destruction�. The pools of blood, vomit, and fecal matter were unbearable due to the fact that I severed their esophagus, anus, and eyeballs with one quick flash from my, �Spatula of Death and Destruction�.

After the fun of the party we were off to fight the Greeks. That�s all I was hearing, �Oh man, watch out for the Greeks. They will kick your ass and then have sex with it�. Whatever, they were a bunch of guys that would probably have sex with other guys if they were given the opportunity. Like a warm summer Mediterranean day with a nice breeze blowing and the chamber maid that just happens to be a young man that you are very attracted to comes in and you end up on the floor, but not in a gay way. Just because you are so attracted to the person and feel like exploring your feelings a little. But that�s not gay in the Greek way, they make out and stuff to.

I was unfortunately killed in this battle, not due to my weakness, but due to the fact that I deflected a boulder the size of an Oprah Winfrey breast with my �Spatula of Death and Destruction�. Too bad for �The Magnum Warrior� that the size and weight, and misshapen nipple of the boulder crushed the �Jock of Life and Never-ending Pleasure for Attractive Females�. �The Magnum Warrior� then killed himself on the battle field for fear of never being able to participate in his favorite activity. Shaggin� Ancient Ho�s. Yeah, it�s sweet to know your heritage.