I went to the doctor and they said that they didn�t know what it was. They would have to do tests with a large needle and I said no man besides my father is going to go that route with me. Then I had a recommendation, a friend said he had gone to a Holistic Healer when he had been eaten up with Poison Ivy after walking 12 miles through the woods on a drunken birthday rampage. He claimed both one of the worst cases of Poison Ivy known to man, and he also got a lovely case of the clap from a friendly horse that happened to be there along the way.

Back to my story, after leaving the doctors office I looked in the phone book for a Holistic Healer, but alas they were all closed. Finally I found one, she was a little older and more experienced but I decided to try it out. She wasn�t the sharpest knife in the drawer, but she would do. She wasn�t exactly what Leon was looking for, because when I got there the sign said �Whoristic Healer�, but I suppose that would just have to do.

I went inside and explained to her that my problem was with a growth in the testicles. She felt around on them, I was fairly embarrassed, then she fixed it right up. She sucked that thing right out of there, and I was feeling fine. I was a little weak so she said that what I needed was the nourishment of Mommy�s homemade Cottage Cheese. She then took off her shirt and said, �Go to town Leon�. It tasted like I was sucking the milk out of a dead cow�s udder. I then vomited in the pillow case and proceeded to beat the crap out of her with it like I was Homey the Clown and she was one of those insolent white bastards.

After the beating was over she called me from the hospital. She said she was sorry, one of her breast implants had broken and leaked out the new space-age materiel she had in there. She said it was German and real expensive, some type of liquid called �Dogsheet� that the salesman was pushing for her to get for like 4 months. I was like, �Whatever�. Then I hung up the phone and realized that now that I am healthy again I could continue on with my diary. Yeah, I am sweet.