Anyway, while we were at that Bastard’s funeral I was looking to get some like I always am because I am so promiscuous and have all kinds of unprotected sex with as many intoxicated females that I can get my dirty hands on….. What was I saying? Anyway, while we were there all of these honkeys kept coming in and I was a bit confused. I didn’t know that the Bastard’s music had reached so many people. Especially honkeys from Everybody Loves Raymond, now I am white but that guy is like ultra super mega Kracka. I pulled him aside and made sure he knew that the moustache made him look a bit Dahmer like, and that he would probably be arrested for child molestation if it didn’t go post haste.

After the star spangled banner and the ceremonial passing on of the Food Stamp booklet the ceremony went well. Star Jones gave a 15 minute eulogy, and by eulogy I mean she stood up there with her enormous head and talked about all the fat she lost off of her ass. Well it doesn’t help if your melon still looks like a beach ball you dumb bitch. Anyway, after that Ray Charles gave us a lovely rendition of 5 minutes of silence that brought a tear to the eye of everyone. All in all I hope my funeral is like that, maybe without Puff Daddy though. He weirded me out with his new campaign shirt, “Fuck J-Lo or Die”. You need some help Puffy. You need some help.